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Nothing But Love in Her Heart

Oct 29

Fallon is doing OK, she’s just being a dog all day long.  She’s got some struggles, her right front leg is still swollen, we’re treating that.  We debate whether she is sleeping well or not.  But she’s going about her Fallon day and business as usual—the new normal day and business.

I, on the other hand, am not so OK.  I find little joy in things I used to enjoy.  I am preoccupied on doing well for Fallon, obsessing and stressing over every peep she makes, every stumble she takes, doing the best for her.  It’s impacting my job, as well as fun activities I used to enjoy.  I would do neither job or formerly fun activities, if I had a choice.  Chances are, I will have no job after next week, there are rumors of layoffs at work.  Despite not wanting to do my job, I need one.  Out of my hands, I’ll see what happens.  I eat like crazy—I am a stress eater.  It shows.   My hair is falling out by handfuls.  Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but even my eyesight is getting worse.  When Fallon’s doing well, I do better.  My relationship with Fallon’s Dad also varies, depending on how Fallon is doing.  It’s been rough, really rough.  There’s a recent article, The Invisible Emotional Burden of Caring for a Sick Pet, by Roni Jacobson that really spoke to me.

There are things I can do.  The Dog Cancer Survival Guide has lots of exercises that are geared toward combatting this stress so you can be there for your dog—and not get them all stressed out because they are so tuned in emotionally, they start to feel bad.  When I do these exercises—or even think of them–I feel better.  I have to push myself more—maybe not to do more, but focus on the quality of things I do.  Playing hockey used to be the best, most fun thing I did.  Now, it’s a burden, I am distracted, don’t play well, so don’t have fun.  And I worry about Fallon when I’m not with her.  But I have to work past that as well, because I do trust there will be a time I would regret if I gave it up. And I can get back on track, with focus.

It will all come together again.  It’s just hard to remember that.  It’s all pretty new, the concept of Fallon being sick.  We only noticed her limp on September 15th.  The x-ray confirmed her cancer on September 26.  Today is October 29.  We’ve been moving really fast.  Things are going to settle into a new routine.  And until I get there, I have to chill.  I have to take care of my well-being so I can take care of Fallon’s.  It will all get easier.  I just have to remember that.  Baby steps.

Tomorrow is our appointment with Dr. Sue, the oncologist.  Hopefully the monsoon we’re supposed to get today will be over tomorrow when we travel—but we’re going anyway.  And it’s an awesome next step to help Fallon.  Plus we’ll get to see a new area, it will be like a vacation!  Maggie’s coming too, she is a good support for Fallon and also likes a road trip.  It will be a long day, but I’m looking forward to it.

Road trip tomorrow! This picture is from maybe a year ago.

Fallon, snoozing real time. Her harness is on in case she needs help, but she hasn’t needed any.

More to come…


5 comments so far

  1. Joanna
    7:55 pm - 10-29-2017

    Hi, I understand your stress and fatigue completely. I am actually unemployed now ( a recent thing) and while I desperately need money, I find myself glued to my girl’s every move. Is she eating enough, is she sleeping, is she comfortable? I find it hard to leave the house. I know it is unhealthy for me and for her but it is hard to disentangle yourself from an animal who needs you. You have my love and my sympathy

  2. Michelle
    11:06 pm - 10-29-2017

    The stress to a care giver is great. Not only to our human people but for our pets. I am sorry you are dealing with the possibilities of losing your job.
    I hope things are going well for Fallon. That is the thing about dogs they live in the moment and don’t worry about things.

    Thinking of you

    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  3. sessy
    11:45 pm - 10-29-2017

    I know it’s hard right now….but it will get better. I hovered over Sessy and was afraid to let her out of my site. Once I realized she really didn’t care that she only had three legs, it helped my to just try to make her life as happy as possible. She’s still the same Sessy. I still worry and am afraid for her…..but it seems that I love her more every day. I just feel so blessed that I didn’t lose her in January when I first got the diagnosis of osteosarcoma or in September when she had a blood clot not related to cancer.
    Gayle and the beautiful Sessy

  4. rochar21
    4:16 am - 10-30-2017

    I’m sorry for your hard times on top of hard times. I’m glad you’re searching for resources and that you have hope that it’ll all come together. Enjoy your road trip and I hope your visit with the oncologist gives you the much needed piece of mind during these times. Oh don’t forget to roll the windows down so your pack and enjoy all the wonderful smells!

  5. jerry
    10:12 pm - 10-30-2017

    Oh those ruff times, I hope you don’t get laid off. If you do, remember the old cliche, there IS a silver lining in even the crappiest of situations.

    Your concerns and worries are so similar to what others go through. I did, we all did. The best thing you can do is to keep reminding yourself that all we have is today, this moment, and worrying about things out of our control–like tomorrow and each day after that –is pointless.

    If you’ve never meditated before you may find that starting a practice can really help you stay present and cope with life’s challenges. We use the Headspace app and it’s made a profound difference for our pack. Give it a whirl and if you want a coupon code for a free month, PM me through the forums OK?

    Sending all our love and well wishes to you and Fallon. I hope the visit with Dr. Sue went well, Let us know OK?

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