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Nothing But Love in Her Heart

Oct 11

OK

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I find myself oddly OK today—at least no more bent out of shape than is usual for me these days.  Today is Fallon’s one year ampuversary.  It’s rainy here.  I’m kind of glad.  All my party plans for her centered around the yard, and I am sure we would be there if she was here for the party.  I dreaded this day coming, because I had been looking forward to it for months, to celebrate with Fallon, to treat her and love her on her special day.  I never dreamed we would not have her today.  I got overconfident.  I stayed awake all night dreading today arriving, and thinking I’d be more of a mess than usual, but I’m actually pretty solid right now.  Relatively speaking.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago, so real that I could feel her soft fur.  She hopped up to me—three legs, I think everyone thinks they get their leg back, but not always.  She stood in front of me with her pretty smile and we hugged and hugged, then we laid down and hugged some more.  I rubbed the spot her leg was, I always did that, and would always cuddle with my hand over it.  She always lay with that side facing up. As I think back, I feel happy that we did that frequently.  Her favorite thing to do was a daily affair.  For that dream, that one brief part of one night and not since, I felt whole again, so wonderful, not awful, as my baseline is now.

We took a trip to the beach a couple of weeks ago—bittersweet, as this time last year was Fallon’s last 4 leg vacation.  In fact, it was the day after we returned that I called my vet and insisted on an x-ray, as she was still limping.  We got the news of her osteosarcoma the following day and our lives changed forever.

Maggie had a greyt time there.  I think she likes being with other dogs.  She recently stayed with a friend who has 4 greyhounds, and we were afraid she wouldn’t want to come home with us—but she eagerly did.  I see another greyhound sometime in our future.  I think Maggie will need to choose her new sibling, just as Fallon chose Maggie…but my ideal dog would be a love sponge just like my pretty Fally.  I am nowhere near ready, but last night I kept thinking—while not sleeping—what if our perfect match is out there?

I have to turn things around, I’m just having some trouble mobilizing.  Crying does get in the way, as does not wanting to leave the house.  I’ve alienated quite a few well-meaning friends by bursting into tears and running away.  So isolating is easier.  I’ve been trying to stay pretty together for Maggie.  I’d hate her knowing her mom is crazy.

I have more to say, I’m just not into it right now.  A few weeks ago I was thinking this blog was done, and it made me sad. Well, sadder.   This was our way to help other lost folks who were in the clueless, but educable position we once were when faced with horrible news about their bestest friend. But there’s still stuff to share….I think.

So, more to come…once I stop crying.

4 comments so far

  1. tlahaye
    3:17 am - 10-12-2018

    I w2as talking with a friend recently, and we discussed how sad it is that we have our dogs for such a short time, but then I reminded him that that way, we got to know and love many dogs in our lifetimes, and always remember Dog Heart. When you lose a dog, they take a piece of yours, but then a new one will give you a piece of theirs so you’re whole again. You’re not the same, but you’re whole, and that’s real progress. Then, over time, and many dogs, we end up with mostly dog heart, and that’s a very good thing.

    Not sure you’re there yet, but soon, and when you do allow a new dog into your heart, you’ll ask “Why did I wait so long?”

  2. dobemom
    3:19 pm - 10-12-2018

    I’m glad you’re “ok”, I totally understand you you’re feeling. So many emotions swirling around in your head and heart. For me, when I started to feel “ok” after Nitro left us, I would feel such guilt for feeling “ok”. I’d had such a long time with anticipatory grief, that I moved into feeling “ok” relatively quickly. Grief is SO exhausting, isn’t it? Perhaps a month or so afterwards, I realized that he wouldn’t want me to feel this way, he WOULD want me to smile and love again; right then I made a conscious effort to feel better – for him. It’s been 15 months since he went to the Bridge, and I still think of him daily. You know your heart-girl Fallon wants you to be happy again. What a beautiful dream that was – that was her spirit coming to you to let you know she was ok. When you are ready, she will find the perfect companion for you and Maggie…new friends never replace old loves, but they sure help the heart heal. Wishing you peace in the days ahead.

    Paula and Warrior Angel Nitro

  3. jerry
    2:57 pm - 10-14-2018

    ((((Hugs)))) Dawn you are SO NOT crazy. You are normal, you are grieving and you just need time to raise that baseline. The ampuversary milestone had to have been incredibly hard. I am so sorry that she didn’t get to see it. My heart hurts for you.

    The beach photos are beautiful, I’m so glad you guys were able to go. Follow Maggie’s lead. She is now your earthly teacher to show you the way through grief.

    YES you do have more to say. I have no doubts about that. You are always part of this family, and your wisdom about your own unique journey with Fallon is greatly appreciated and needed.

  4. benny55
    2:16 am - 11-5-2018

    Dawn and Paul…I don’t even know how to express how gutted I was to hear Fallon had to head to the Bridge. And I can’t tell you the number of times I would try and get together my thoughts so I could write somewhat coherentlu through my tears. And time after time I failed miserably. And I apologize. To not have been there for you…with you…when you needed our support the most was just plain crap! Inexcusable crap! I’m so glad others had more courage than I to face the sadness and be there for you❤

    Every single time one of our beloved family members has to jead to the Bridge, it just breaks our heart. Somehow, in a cowardly way, if I didn’t post when your BEAUTIFUL Fallon transitioned, I could keep putting off the tears just a bit longer. Nah, didn’t work!

    Fallon was such a WARRIOR, a very GENTLE WARRIOR🤗, but nonetheless, a strong and determined fighter!

    She met, and exceeded sooo many milestones! I remember “wishing and hoping” she would be able to make that trip beach with you, and she sure did!!! I was absolutely delighted with every journal you made about that trip and all the photos you shared😎

    Honest to goodness, I fall in love with every dog who makes this journey. It warms my heart to read abput the bonds and to celebrate the victories. Amd ues, I grieve hard, like everyone here when their earth journey ends.

    But there was “something” about Fallon that grabbed my heart from the first post, the first beautiful photo. And I cheered extra loudly with each hurdle she overcame and with each joyous moment she shared with us.

    You, Paul and Maggie were TRULY what gave Fallon the edge and you all are why she did as well as she did for as long as she did. Everyone here was on TEAM FALLON!

    And ohhh my goodness. Talk a about a beautiful Soul inside and out…. Fallon is such an exquisite shining Spirit who impacted us all on so many levels….and still does.❤ Every time I see her banner, I am always taken aback by how stunningly beautiful she is. And just as powerfully, her banner reminds us all of what’s possible. Fallon continued to amaze us and never stopped being Fallon.

    And that “dream”you had…WOW!! One of THE most powerful ways of connection and communicating from Spirit Energy….the Soul state….that I have ever seen!!! Honest to goodness! I FEEL like Fallon was also letting giving us all a glimpse into just how brilliant the “afterlofe” can be! I hope you have this communication nicely printed on some lovely parchment paper, and frame it with one your favorite photos of Fallon. I think the one your friend included in that lovely tribute to Fallon would be perfect!

    You and Fallon have added to the well being of this entire community on so many levels. You are such an important part of the foundation that holds out hope and shows us all how to BE MORE FALLON💖 I know it’s hard to be here. I also hope you will continue to post as you can. Fallon is a source of inspiration for is all. And the loving bond you shared is a cause for celebration. Fallons’s journey here continues. Fallon has so many more lives to touch!!!

    I am TRULY honored to be on this journey with Fallon and am so grateful for the privilege of getting to know this RockStar…FAMOUS ROCKSTAR😁 Our light shines a little brighter when we think of Fallon💛💛

    With love

    Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too

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