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Nothing But Love in Her Heart

Dec 17

I can’t convey how difficult the past 3 months have been.  Life without Fallon on earth has been quite a transition—as has been life on earth without Fallon.  I still feel a good amount of pain.  There have been tons of challenges, and I have been facing each one with a “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, with varying levels of success—mostly low to none.  But I try, I do.

She still sits at my bedside in a wooden box inside of a paper box, this paper box has all sorts of other things in it—her plaster footprint, some charm, a poem, our bill—all put there by Forget Me Not, the business who cremated her.  I reach over to touch her during the night, and visit her during the day.  It brings me some level of comfort.  I have walked around the house just hugging her when I am upset.  And while this sounds horribly, horribly dysfunctional, perhaps borderline crazy–know that I agree with you.   I am entertaining the thought of moving her.   Maybe even today and that is progress.

We have some  shelves set aside for her, I have yet to dust and clean them, because cleaning and moving her there will be just one more step toward this all being real.  But I think about it more and more.  Maybe today.

I had a burst of positive energy last week after seeing an ad for one of those businesses that makes your baby’s ashes into a beautiful globe or heart.  I took the pictures to Paul and he’s all on board.  So I think we’ll do that.  I like the globe and he likes the heart–but I won’t fight this one, the heart is greyt.  Red’s her color.

from Rainbow Bridge Hearts

from Rainbow Bridge Hearts

I had the idea we’d scatter some of her ashes in the yard—her favorite place on earth, where we spent hours upon hours just laying and hugging.  Paul is in opposition.  We plan to move some day and won’t always have this yard.  My counterpoint is that Fallon won’t know our new yard, she knows this yard.  This is where she should stay, at least a bit of her.  I’m still working on this one.   I have found gorgeous urns online, and actually spoke with the artist when we were in Dewey Beach for Greyhound Week in October.

From The Barking Tree on Etsy. This is only an example, Pete Wade, the artist, will work with us to create something absolutely perfect.

He realized I was not ready by my sobbing—but I know where he is when I am.  So wherever we move, the rest of Fallon—what is not in the beautiful globe or heart and in the lawn, will come with us—wherever we go—in the lovely urn.

That’s a far as I have gotten.  I am encouraged, though, because any level of forward motion has been a losing proposition lately.  This is progress.  Maybe I’ll make more today.  And I concur there are more substantive things to work on, this is just where my aching heart has taken me right now.

Some of you might not know we have gotten another greyhound to be a sister to Maggie.  Her name is Danica.  We call her Dani.

I had been hoping for Fallon to give a sign that she approved of Dani.  I think it came during our annual Christmas visit to Niagara Falls, ON.  We walked and walked, and met many people.  Dani is really Fallon-esque in her friendliness, and tried to make eye contact with everyone, strategically placing herself under their idle hands waiting for attention, whether they wanted this or not.  I was encouraged that she was so much like our angel girl but the one thing that happened that solidified Fallon’s approval—in fact, that she may have even paw-picked Dani–was that Dani climbed up on a rail by a fountain to see the water better.  Fallon loved the water, and probably would have tried to jump in.  Dani may have also, except we are alert to all things she does, so we can correct her when she needs it.  That sounds like nothing as I write it.  You probably had to be there and know us and Fallon to really appreciate it, but Paul and I both got it—we looked at each other in tears.  We both really felt our girl then.

I do miss writing here, it is just not as much fun—but we’re still here.

Merry Christmas and all the holiday greetings to you for whatever you celebrate this special season <3

Ashley Wilbur Photography 2018

Dawn, Paul, Maggie and Dani

3 comments so far

  1. jerry
    7:32 pm - 12-17-2018

    You are so not borderline crazy. Crazy in love with Fallon for sure, and the level of grief you feel is equivalent to the amount of love you had for her. If it’s any consolation, we kept Jerry’s things out for months. And when it came to his ashes, it took us NINE YEARS to finally start scattering them. We needed that much time to come to terms with the parting of the physical and the spiritual love we had for that boy. So we chose one spot, then another, and then as we traveled, we started scattering a little here and a little there. Will we let go of all of them? No way. I do love the heart memorial idea, or maybe even turn him into a diamond if I win the lotto. But for now, we still have about 1/2 of him with us and are only scattering as we feel appropriate, in the moment. In other words, there is no rush. Eventually you and hubby will come to an agreement. Time is all you need.

    Dani is such a sweetie. She scored with you two. And no doubt that Fallon’s spirit is guiding her.

    Thanks for stopping by. I know it’s not easy. We are always here for you when you feel like you need to write, and when you don’t, that’s OK too, we always have you in our hearts, just like Fallon.

    Have a beautiful Christmas and a 2019 full of love and joyful times.

    xoxox

  2. benny55
    2:27 am - 12-18-2018

    Thank you for connecting with us today. All of us have you on our hearts, especially now with the holidays coming up. It’s hard being here and we all get that. Some never come back, some come back sometimes and on and on. Whatever works for the individual is the right choice!

    I’m also glad you came back to share more of Dani and Maggie with us though! To hear how Fallon made her presence known and that she DEFINITELY approved of Dani BIG TIME, ,brought tears to my eyes too! I’m so glad you and Paul got the message!

    TW, Dani and Maggie certainly knew how to strike a pose with Santa! That picture is precious!

    Don’t worry avout “progress”, or doing ANYTHING that feels forced and certainly don’t “worry about being “dysfunctional “! Certainly not with this group!! If loving hard and grieving hard are signs of being dysfunctional, then call us all stone cold bat s××t nuts!!!

    The idea of the heart and all the thought behind it…..perfect, absolutely perfect!!

    One way maybe you and Paul can “compromise” on Fallon’s ashes and where to scatter some is this. Put some in her special place in the yard. Plant two shrubs, or annual flowers, or a two trees. Whenever you move. Leave one of those three that have been nurtured by Fallon’s ashes, and being the other with you.
    You know we are here for you. You kmow we love Fallon too. Such an inspirational girl! Qe were astounded at how she beat the odds and sailed through many milestones with you.

    Thank you for allowing us to continue to celebrate that glorious Soul and all the gifts she gave us all…..and continues to do so.

    With love
    Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

  3. tlahaye
    10:17 pm - 12-28-2018

    Ashes. I picked Casey up today and brought him to the SPCA for private cremation. I may take some ashes out to Great Meadow (you may remember the swan story), but in general, we plan to follow my brother-in-law’s lead. He rescues dogs with issues, and has lost a few. He keeps all the ashes, and when he or his wife, whoever passes last passes, they will gather up all the ashes and cremate the whole family together.

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